I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't deserve a penis
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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