I got chris browned last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
