Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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