I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
