her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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