she woke up with a sticky ear
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
