Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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