God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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