I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
