I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
