I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
