First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
