batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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