we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize