I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need to stop coming to work sober
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
