Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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