just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
