I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
