DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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