My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
