I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
