I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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