I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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