Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
