I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
being pregnant is like rehab
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
