so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
