Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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