I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
