Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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