Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we're making bets on your personal life
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
