the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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