yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
