i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
