Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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