my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
