she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
