I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
