It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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