In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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