Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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