I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
