Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
