My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
