i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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