I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
