I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
