How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
