I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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