Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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