So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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