I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
