what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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