didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
