Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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