dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Mom said you looked used
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
