i think my tv is drunk
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
