i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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