Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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