Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
