My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
