youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
