If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
