umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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