I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
