I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
